Thinking Out Loud

Listening to: YM! message alerts

Bad day. Tired. Confused. Sleepy. Missing someone. *sigh*

AFK mining mode.

YM with RF buddies and Guildmates.

My last CW for Giga 3

(Just had the urge to post this!)

I will try to update tomorrow. Sooo in need of a hug ~

12:42 PM

Listening to: Let Me Go [3 Doors Down]

And no matter how hard I try

I can't escape these things inside

I know, I know

When all the pieces fall apart

You will be the only one who knows, who knows..

Thank you :)

I feel so much better now.

------------------------

Awakening*

When you love, you get hurt

One lesson learned.

You climb up, then slide down

Will you try again?

You treasure your friends

And they stab your back.

You follow your parents

But are they on the right track?

You sing to the tune

and you go with the flow -

But when all's said and done

You end up alone.

"What's the point in living?"

This you might ask.

Life's a bitch, it's true

But then again, no.

Wake up little one

Open your eyes.

The world is cruel

But you ain't all alone.

*From March of 2000

2:48 PM

Listening to: In the Rough [Anna Nalick]

Now you say you know all you did not know before

And I offer no sympathy for that

I hear that it was you who died alone

And I offer no sympathy for that

Better off I sparkle on my own

And someday love will find me in the rough

Someday love will finally be enough

I shine a little more lately..

First off - more YM! Doodles~ This is the result when I lazed around the net last night after I got home from Sir Mike's place. Went there after the shift with Fong, Ate Rey and Miss Joey. Food trip! XD We hung out, magic sing'd, ate and talked.

Heartbreak comet~

It's a Sunday so I've got nothing to do. I woke up late, did my laundry and showered. Then I had lunch - KFC again >:) And it's RF time~ I leveled 1 LR PT today. Woot~ And had fun chattering in Guild Chat. Spent some time talking with Killey. And it actually made me feel a whole lot better. Thanks, Kil~ (you'd get to read this one day but not now!) .

View from the top - Bellato Water Gap

Killey~

-------------------------------

Blur

Faces, places

Flashes in my mind.

Dreams, promises

Haunting me.

Puzzle pieces

Scattered all around.

Invisible walls -

Not wanting me to see

*This is from way back in 2000. @ Koi - more to come. I'll rummage through my old stuff some more! ^^;

2:52 PM

Listening to: Breathe [Anna Nalick]

Wanted to write about a lot fo stuff. Im overflowing with feelings right now. But nothing's coming out. So, screenies again.. And song lyrics.

Abstract art?!? >:)

YM! Doodle with Zepp this morning~

Tonight's 9pm CW (we won btw^^;)

--------------------------------------

Breathe [2 am]

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake.. "Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?, I don't love him.. Winter just wasn't my season.."Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes..Like they have any right at all to criticize.. Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason..

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable.. And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table..No one can find the rewind button, girl..So cradle your head in your hands.. And breathe... just breathe.. Oh breathe, just breathe..

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss.."Just a Day", he said down to the flask in his fist.."Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.."Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while.. But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles.. Wanna hold him.. Maybe I'll just sing about it..

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable.. And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.. No one can find the rewind button, boys.. So cradle your head in your hands.. And breathe... just breathe.. Oh breathe, just breathe..

There's a light at each end of this tunnel.. You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out..And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again..If you only try turning around..

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song.. If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me.. Threatening the life it belongs to.. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd..Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud.. And I know that you'll use them, however you want to..

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable..And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button now.. Sing it if you understand.. And breathe, just breathe.. Woah breathe, just breathe.. Oh breathe, just breathe.. Oh breathe, just breathe..

12:57 PM

Listening to:

He wants me back.

11:02 AM

Listening to: Give Myself to You [Train]
When I find out who I am
I'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I'm gonna give myself to you..

The whole day yesterday was spent in counselling sessions.

~ Texting with a guildmate/friend about some girl issues.

~ YM talk with a guildmate who's having some love problems.

~ New batch of panel counselling for the agents in the office.

~ And uh, texting with Carlo bout his "dad" problems.

Phew! It was pretty stressful to say the least. But I guess I have got to live with it.

Yesterday afternoon came a sudden downpour. It was a relief, for me at least coz it helped me settle into a 4-hr "nap" >:) But on the downside, the power went out for like 30 mins, and I had to shower in the semi-darkness of the bathroom. Good thing it was up again by the time I was ready for my power nap. ^^

Nothing really interesting happened. I just played RF after dinner. I PT'd for a bit, but was 9% short of leveling my Def PT when the call for CW came. So I had to go to Crag. We won! Yesh~ 5K CP and I was able to borrow a 10% dodge amulet from haremru >:) After CW I was not-so-forcefully kidnapped for over 2 hours and was brought to Chink Cave XD.

I'm excited about the whole Bellato GEB thing ^^; I wanna see my HOL family again and meet the guys I wasn't able to meet before. I think it's gonna be on the 1st of July. Weee~

Oh well, I have to go now. Duty calls~

10:37 PM

Here is Gone [Goo Goo Dolls]

You and I got somethin
But its all and then its nuthin to me, yeah
And I got my defenses
When it comes through your intentions for me, yeah

And we wake up in the breakdown

With the things we never thought we could be, yeah

Im not the one who broke you
Im not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

I am no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me, yeah
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me, yeah

Im not the one who broke you
Im not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I dont need the fallout
Of all the past thats in between us
And Im not holding on
And all your lies werent enough to keep me here

And I want to get free
Talk to meI can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling

I know its out there
I know its out there
And I can feel you falling

I know its out there
I know its out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah

I know its out there
I know its out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah

This song says it all. And it has made me realize a lot of things. Funny coz I've been listening to it for quite some time now and it didn't hit me, not until yesterday anywyas. It was on "repeat" on my mp3 player the whole day. Listened to it again and again while RF-ing, and also before I slept. Played the song when I woke up, on my way to the office and I'm listening to it as I write this piece.

That's... all i'm saying. For today at least.~

10:50 PM

Listening to: Heart in Hand [Vertical Horizon]
Pictures and photographs
Memories and windows
Goodbyes and epitaphs
Heartbeats and hellos..

Oh well, I was right. Yesterday was bad for me. I don't know why I felt crappy. Must be from the body pains I'm having. I felt sluggish coz of the painkiller I took. So in effect, the people from the office are getting into my nerves =/. I almost had a row with Niño about some confirmation thing. But we're ok now. LOL ^^;

As scheduled, we had the panel counselling yesterday. Twas Grace and Ate Rey on the hotseat. Honestly I was sleepy, and I was toying with my iPODs headset and pretending to pay attention >:) But of course I wasn't like that the whole time. I was actually expected to say something with sense! So I said something about focusing their energy on just doing their jobs, blah blah.. LOL ^^

Carlo is sick. And his text msgs are making mew uncomfortable =/ *sigh*

When I got home, I took a long shower. And boy it felt nice! I ended up having a 4-hr nap >:) Woke up just in time for dinner. Then it's RF time~ We won the 9pm CW - sooo 5k CP, woot! Rahr~ I didn't die last night. Anyways, here's more RF screenies from last night. Vox wasn't OL, and I promised to take him shopping at the Force NPC. Uh oh..

Close... >:) But we just hang out, ok?

Enjoying the view~ And the conversation..

Under the stars~ TheNovus sky was even in the mood for turning us in last night ^^

Hmm, I'm thinking about taking up photography. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna love it. ^^; Take pictures to compliment the stuff I write about. I can't draw so I might as well just take pictures! XD

Last night we talked about stuff, and magic moments - some concept I got off the book By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept by Paolo Coelho.

[[You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.

Every day, God gives us the sun - and also one moment when we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Every day, we try to pretend that we haven't perceived that moment, that it doesn't exist - that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention to their everyday lives, they will discover that magic moment. It may arrive in the instant when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front-door key in the lock; it may lie hidden in the quiet that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. But that moment exists - a moment when all the power of the stars becomes a part of us and enables us to perform miracles.

Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Our magic moment helps us to change and sends us off in search of our dreams. Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments - but all of these are transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.

Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps, this person would never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when the person looks back - she will never hear her heart saying "What have you done with the miracles that God planted in your days? What have you done with the talents God has bestowed upon you? You buried yourself in a cave because you were fearful of losing those talents. So this is your heritage, the certainty that you wasted your life.

"Pitiful are the people who must realize this. Because when they are finally able to believe in miracles, their life's magic moments will have already passed them by.'"]]

Wee~ Never fails to make me smile everytime I read it :) I hope today's gonna be a good one. I think it'll be. ^^; I wonder when my magic moment will come today. But I guess I'll know it when it hit me~

Note: I'm now updating in the mornings, since someon'es been hogging all my OL time during the evenings lately >:)

10:52 PM

Listening to: Iris [Goo Goo Dolls]

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

Coz sooner of later it's over

I just don't wanna miss you tonight..

Last night was spent as usual, playing RF. Too lazy to type. My sides hurt from being caught between the elevator doors yesterday.. *grimace*

Winding down after a day's work ^^;

Hanging around Solus Settlement

CW Buddies ~

Over at Windy Bluff - taking in the ocean view ^^

Aww, I have panel counselling later. Dunno what I'm gonna say to them agents. I bet it'd be hard to keep a straight face! XD I have a feeling its gonna be another stressful day *sigh*.

Buti na lang may RF later~

11:27 PM

Listening to: Slide [Goo Goo Dolls]
Could you whisper in my ear
The things you wanna feel
I'll give you anything
To feel it comin'..

There has been more than quite a few thunderstorms the past few days. Reminds me that summer is already over. It's already June anyways.. *sigh* So I've decided to make this entry as a tribute to the summers of my life (the one's I could remember, that is). Coz I have just recently realized that things happen for me during summer..

Summer or '93:
Summer before I enter 4th grade. Took the SPED exam and passed so I transferred schools. And uh, yeah.. This summer I also took Theater Arts classes and I kinda impressed my Instructor. LOL ^^

Summer of '94:
Scenario - I am in my new school's oval. Waiting for my sister's summer classes to end. The wind was blowing nicely. Meanwhile, I busy myself with catching the petals falling off from the firetrees that surround the oval. I was swirling and swirling - making a wish every time I catch a petal..

Summer of '96:
Summer before I start HS. It was a blur, that's all I can remember. Something about me not knowing which school to go to because I got accelerated and finished grade school a year early..

Summer of '98:
CMLI Summer Camp in Lucban Quezon. Twas fun :)

Summer of '99:
Summer before my Senior Year. CAT Officers Training. Spent 2 weeks out of the House in CAT Boot Camp! =P It was hellish and fun at the same time. Wake up at 3am.. Breakfast.. Jog.. Drills.. Lecture.. Lunch.. Lecture..Physical Activities.. Dinner.. Lights out.. or Guard Duty. Imagine having to cook for 75 people! Eek >.<

This is also the time of UPCAT reviews, and going around my HS friend's house. Lots of sleepovers and swimming escapades.. Roasting tilapia on the beach and me swimming wearing my jeans! :)

And oh, this is when I met ex # 1, though it was one of his friends who's a got a thing for me back then..

Summer of 2000:
Out of HS and off to college. This was spent shuttling to and fro Manila and Aklan. Enrolled in UP, then went back home to spend my last summer there. Ex # 1 and I are together this time - our first summer. He was at my place everyday. From around lunchtime until late in the evening. then we'd talk on the phone until the wee hours of the morning when he gets home..

Summer of '01:
First Collge summer! Spent it in Aklan, catching up with friends. And spending lots of time with ex # 1. We didn't know it's gonna be our last summer together..

Summer of '02:
I can proudly say I'm over ex #1 by this time. Carlo became my boyfriend, and Xave gave me one of his "I told you so.." comments when I told him about it. Summer classes for Algebra.. Eeek >.<

Summer of '03:
Carlo and mine's best summer.. Summer getaway at his Lola's place in Quezon, which he didn't tell his dad about. LOL :)

Summer of '04:
My sister's debut. Had a two-week vacation in Aklan with Carlo. He met my folks and my mum loved him. Went to Bora too..

Spent most of this summer at Ayn's place. Carlo and I hung out with Ahmed, Angel, Gladys, Eric and Nicky a lot. The talk was about Magic Cards and movies. Spent lots of nights at Ayn's place trying to comfort her..

Carlo and I had a big fight over some guy I befriended in RO, and over Angel's s'posed crush on me. LOL >:)

My last summer as a student..

Summer of '05:
Desperately wanting to go back to Aklan, if only for a few days.

Also considered resigning from ePac..

This summer:
Got promoted. Lots of adjustments at work..

Rough time with Carlo.. Too much fights about time, priorities and a bunch of other crap. It ended after 4 years..

But we are still friends though..

Now I have a lot of time for myself. I'm still getting used to this being on my own thing though.. But I think I'm doing good.

Went to lots of movies with my office friends. Saturday nights alone at Jollibee plaza and crashing at Ms Joey's or Sir Mike's place :)

Got in touch with old friends. I also got to think about what I wanna do with my life. Right now, I just wanna take it one day at a time. So much for making plans. :)

I went back to RF and enjoyed every pixelated moment of it. Met a whole bunch of new people, including a lone gunman who describes himself as a deep thinker), and has taken to calling me Tamashi-can (Tamashi = nihongo for Soul). He has made it a habit to kidnap me and whisk me off someplace I've never been to everytime, with the fireworks and all. The other day we spent 10 hours, just talking. We're both suckers for good conversation I guess.

Last night - Bellato Water Garden (Reminded me of Ferngully ^^;)

This summer is all about choices. And so far I'm happy where I am.

11:57 PM

Listening to: Stay with You [Goo Goo Dolls]

The past few days was pretty much eneventful. Production is good. I feel super. Everything is going well so far. See, I was right when I said May was actually gonna be a good month for me ^^

My sister was s'posed to come over from the province and stay with me for a while as she hunts the metropolis for a job but it didn't push through. Oh well.. I'm not gonna be any good at baby-sitting her, that much I know XD. And considering the fact that she ain't half as independent as I am, I'm gonna have a hard time once she's here. Nooo~

[[For Jon: I'm so sorry to hear bout your dad. I've known you briefly, and fleetingly if you will but I just wanna say that it meant a lot to me when you still seeked me out for comfort when your dad passed away the other day; even if I refused to answer your sms msgs and your calls and I've been hiding from you in YM for the past week. I'm glad I got to make you feel a lil bit better, but right now I don't have room for further complications. I know you meant well but I'm sorry. ]]

RF has been keeping me busy ^_~. My renewed interest in the game was surprising. I think it's a mixture of different factors though - one, I missed the game; two, I needed the distraction; three, I've met new people who I can exchange playful banter with during the rigorous PT grinding; and four, because lately the Guild's slowly coming back to life (which, I hope goes on XD!)I actually got Soulrun to lvl 35 with decent PTs. Woot~ got promoted to Caters na! Phew, I was glad I didn't PL when I was so tempted to ^^. And I got a new suit - a purple one at that (with my tummy exposed!), as well as a new bow. There's an alliance between Bellato and Cora and we've been winning the CW's alternately since Friday - which is good for my CP, haha~ And yeah, vox is playing RF too. Now I have a lil Bellato brother!

I've been spending quite a lot of OL time RF guy lately. PT grind, then 9PM CW, then more PT grinding. After last night's CW we made our first trip out to Ether where he indulged my screenie frenzy. And he brought fireworks! (Points at screenshot ^ and then points to wishlist <<< ) Afterwards came more PT grinding, and me being killed a lot of times; the reason being: Guild and Party chat, LOL :D We got carried away by the whole RP'ing theme. And an hour or so before we logged off, we abandoned shooting those bots (which he referred to as cousins of Zaide 3,000 times removed!) and just stood amidst the billowing snowstorm talking about... stuff. He actually got to calling me his fraulein. Oh my, I have an RF crush. Haha~

It's amazing how RF can make me run away from it all. Just for a few hours each day, I'm free if my worries. Like my Dad's and my sister's cold war that has been raging for almost a week; or about my say regarding the sensitive matter of who gets to keep their job and who gets sacked; or wondering why people can say they love me but can't understand me.. *sigh*

I can't get this song out of my head.

Provided By MetroLyrics

Maybe because deep down it's what I really wanna do..

12:04 PM